


Three Sorcerers and a Baby

by LadyAnatares



Category: Pathfinder (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: Don’t copy to another site, Drunken Shenanigans, Dungeons & Dragons 3.5 Edition, Original Player Characters, Other, Pathfinder Society
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-22 19:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18533704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAnatares/pseuds/LadyAnatares
Summary: So I thought it was unfortunate that I have all these amazing characters I've created in Pathfinder Society who never actually get to meet, so I decided to throw them into a Hangover-esque scenario where they all got blackout drunk and have a few questions about what happened last night that they need to answer.Also why is there a baby in the room??Disclaimer: I've never actually watched the movie The Hangover, only seen the previews, so I'm just sort of going in my own direction from there ;P





	Three Sorcerers and a Baby

Joe wakes up to the sound of a baby crying.

He groans as he crawls over the lump of blankets next to him on the bed, groggy from sleep and drink from the night before. He’s still wearing his robes, he faintly realizes, as they stick to his back from sweat and he has imprints of the fabric against his arms and legs. The dull ache in his head is familiar as he tries to get his bearings, the only evidence that he must have had some fun at that party last night.

But why is there a baby crying?

He finally crawls to the end of the bed and sits up as he surveys the room a bit better, back cracking as he stretches out with a yawn. There’s a child wearing a hooded robe stretched out in the living chair provided with the room in the inn, a baby in a woven wooden basket, and his greataxe is embedded in the far wall.

He looks at the axe and sighs. Looks like his society discretionary funds are going to have to go towards damages. Again.

“Bob, if that’s _you_ making that noise again I’m going to go get somebody to turn undead on you or somethin’,” the child in the chair says irritably, stirring.

She sits back on her ankles and rubs her eyes, then looks around the room blinking as she tries to clear the fog from her mind. She has short and curly brown hair and bright blue eyes. She can’t be much older than ten, Joe figures.

She sees Joe, then she sees the baby.

“… Oh. There’s actually a baby,” she comments. Then a beat. “ _Why_ is there a baby?”

Whatever is happening in his private room at the inn right now, Joe’s not sure he wants to be responsible for a random child, let alone _two_ of them with one being a baby.

Joe sighs. “Little girl,” he begins. “What are you doing in my room? Do your parents know where you are-?“

A nasty _snarl_ erupts from the pile of blankets on the edge of the bed, startling both of them as the sheets begin to move. There’s a _person_ inside of those blankets! How did Joe not even notice?

Even _more_ appalling, he took someone to _bed_ with him last night? With _two children_ in the room?

Joe cautiously peels the blankets back from what he presumes to be the face of whoever happens to be in there, finding a tangle of messy black hair faced away from him.

“… Hello?”

The figure rolls towards him and a hand lashes out, narrowly missing his cheek with long black claws at the ends of feminine hands as she snarls at him again. Her ears are pointed like an elf, but to a less extreme degree as the elves he’s adventured with. Could she be a half-elf then? Her skin is tan like tea-stained parchment and when she opens her eyes they’re a deep, molasses brown.

She’s also missing one eyebrow.

“So, this is awkward,” Joe notes. “But… I don’t know who you are, and you’re in my bed.”

The woman jerks to sit up away from him, scrambling to the opposite side of the bed, gripping the blankets against her. She looks down and realizes from her plain brown robes that she’s fully clothed, and seems to relax a bit as she yawns.

Joe looks down at himself. Oh, right. He’s fully clothed too.

“… _Nothing happened_ ,” she hisses through her teeth.

“That’d be my assumption as well,” he groans. “I’m not even interested in women.”

“Isn’t anyone going to address the baby in the room?!”

Both of then turn to look at the child, now huddled over the crying baby, shushing it as she tries to figure out what to do.

“Kid,” the raven haired woman narrows her eyes. “Where’re your parents?”

The kid looks offended. “I’m _not_ a kid, I’m a _halfling!_ ” she scolds her.

In a voice that’s very childlike, Joe notes.

“Why is there a greataxe in the wall?” the woman asks next, pointing ahead of her.

Joe glances over and shrugs. “Oh, that’s mine.”

“Why is it in the wall?”

“Dunno. Probably seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Can we focus??” the halfling protests. “ _Baby_. In room. _Why??_ ”

The woman gives the baby a cursory glance. “That’s a big baby,” she notes aloud, then groans, holding her head. “Why don’t we wake up first, and _then_ try to think this through?”

Joe’s not opposed to this plan. “Sounds fair. I’ve gotta head to the can anyways.”

 

* * *

 

“Introductions!”

The halfling is standing in front of the bed where Joe and the woman are sitting after he returns. She takes out a blunted iron mace and swishes it around in a confident arc.

“My name is Senna Dawnbloom, and I am a halfling oracle, member of the Silver Crusade and Pathfinder agent,” she introduces. “I’m also a talented linguist and scribe, and I work to translate old texts and documents at various churches here in Absalom!”

“What’s an oracle?” Joe asks.

Senna huffs. “I’m sort of like a cleric, but I don’t have to pray to get my spells in the morning. I just need a good night’s rest is all!”

“So, like a sorcerer then,” the woman points out.

“I’m _not_ a sorcerer, I’m an _oracle!_ ”

She points her mace at Joe, and he bats it easily out of the way. The weight of it seems to throw her off balance. “Uh, _you_ next. Name and occupation!”

“Joe Canada, sorcerer,” he drums out.

The woman looks at him strangely. “ _Sorcerer?_ ”

“Yup.”

“With a _greataxe?_ ”

“What’s wrong with that?” he counters.

She rolls her eyes. “Nothing. Whatever, just do your thing, I guess.”

“What’s your occupation, Joe?” Senna asks brightly.

“Oh, I’m a Pathfinder too. Member of the Grand Lodge,” he answers simply.

“Neat, we’re both Pathfinders!” Senna exclaims. “And how about you, miss?”

“Xevilka, half-elf sorcerer,” she sighs, scratching some itch under her mess of wavy short black hair.

“Sorry, your name is what?” Senna clarifies.

“ _Xevilka_.”

“… Is your family name ‘Ilka’?”

“No, that’s my whole name. I don’t have a family name,” Xevilka explains.

“Why don’t you have a family name?” Joe asks, surprised.

“I just _don’t_ , okay?”

“I’ve never heard a name like that before,” Senna points out. “It’s definitely not _Elven_ , I would know. Maybe it’s, um, _Aby_ -?”

Xevilka _glares_ at the halfling to shut her up. “Call me Xev, everyone does. I’m a Pathfinder agent as well,” she adds.

“We’re _all_ Pathfinders?” Senna points out. “… How come we’ve never met each other in the field?”

“I’ve worked with a _lot_ of different agents, it’s not _that_ strange,” Xev dismisses. “I’ve known a gnome pyromaniac and a narcoleptic elf. Trust me, there’s all kinds in the Society.”

Senna thinks for a moment. “… But elves don’t actually _need_ to sleep?” she questions.

“Well, tell _him_ that.”

“Are there any plans on what to do about the baby in the room?” Joe asks, trying to bring the conversation back to the problem at hand. “None of us remember what happened last night, and there’s a baby of unknown origin in a basket at our feet.”

They had collectively managed to calm the baby down by rocking and soothing it, although none of them had any maternal (paternal in Joe’s case) instincts to really figure this out. Senna was probably the most capable of handling the baby boy, having created an illusion of colourful birds in the air above him to keep him entertained.

“The jutting brow ridge and faintly green skin makes me think he’s a half-orc,” Xevilka deduces. “But how did we come to have a half-orc baby in the first place?”

“Any ideas on where we could start looking?” Senna asks.

“Do you two know any half-orcs?” Joe asks absently. “We could ask them.”

Senna gasps. “That’s _racist!_ ”

“Yeah, you can’t assume that all half-orcs know each other, Joe,” Xev scolds him.

“Well, any more ideas?”

Xev starts clenching and unclenching her fists. “… We could ask the venture captain if he knows of any slave activity in town. He could be a slave.”

Joe glares at Xev. “ _That’s_ racist!”

“Yeah! Why would you assume he’s a _slave?_ Just because he’s a _half-orc??_ ”

“ _Look_ , I’ve… _Dealt_ with something like this before,” Xevilka growls cryptically. “It’s not _so_ unlikely.”

“Well, he doesn’t have a brand anyways?”

“They don’t always brand babies,” Xev points out.

“How would you know that?” Joe asks, mystified.

She only glares at him.

“I have another idea, but it’s kind of backwards,” Senna interrupts. “We could just figure out what happened at the party last night?”

“And how would we do that?”

Senna rolls her eyes and huffs dramatically. “If there was a party, then my brother was probably there too. We could just go to his room and ask him.”

“Well, it’s a _start_ ,” Xev agrees. “And it’s probably a lot more efficient to start there, than to start carrying a baby around the city asking strangers whose kid this is.”

“Right. More _tactful_.”

“First, um,” Joe interrupts, feeling uncomfortable. “Do either of you ladies know how to change a dirty diaper?”

Senna’s appalled. “ _Joe!_ That’s _sexist!_ ”

“Well, _I_ sure don’t,” Joe clarifies.

“… Me either,” Senna admits.

“I’m not touching that,” Xev insists. “Um… Okay, Joe – Do you know the spell Mage Hand?”

“Oh, yeah! That’s _smart_ ,” Joe compliments. That way neither of them have to physically touch the baby _or_ the dirty loincloth.

“I have Mage Hand too!” Senna adds brightly.

Xev gives her a discerning look. “I don’t think that’s a spell clerics can get.”

“I’m _not_ a cleric, I’m an _oracle!_ ” she insists.

“I don’t think oracles get it either. You _sure_ you’re not a sorcerer too?”

“Ugh! _Look_ , let’s just get the baby changed, and then go track down my brother,” Senna groans.

 

* * *

 

Together, with three Mage Hands, the three of them managed to get the dirty diaper off of the baby. Getting the new diaper on was proving to be a challenge though.

“How was it folded before?” Senna says. “Should we maybe ask somebody for help?”

“It was just the sides folded in and then the front pinned over that, wasn’t it?” Xev grumbles, utterly confused by the garment.

Joe’s standing in between the two of them, his Mage Hand still trying to wipe the boy clean. “Whatever gets his diaper back on I’m alright wi-“

The baby pees. And since he’s unclothed, it arcs _straight up_.

Senna attempts to dive out of the way, but trips on her long robes and faceplants into the hardwood floor. Xevilka on the other hand is far more capable and dexterous, not only getting out of the way but leaping onto a small table off by the window, not even disturbing the potted plant resting on its surface.

Joe was completely unprepared, however.

He got peed on. All over his face, beard, and robes.

“… This is the single worst day of my life,” Joe laments.

“Oh my gods, Joe! Are you okay?”

He spits off to the side. “It got in my _mouth_.” He points at the baby, who is giggling and unfazed by his urine assault on Joe’s person. “Somebody get this boy dressed, I’m going to go change and scrub my beard forever.”

He grumpily leaves the room while the other two take over, finally getting the boy dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all my characters in Pathfinder. They are as follows:
> 
> Xevilka - CG Half-elf sorcerer of the Abyssal bloodline, level 8 sorcerer and 1 rogue. Wavy black hair that's always kind of a mess, deep brown eyes, tan skin. Dresses in very plain brown robes with the hood pulled up and has an artisan's work apron and tool belt to keep her reagents and wands handy in. Craft skill is alchemy and profession is merchant. Doesn't generally like people but can be very diplomatic and influential when the situation calls for it. Tactics involve casting Vanish and then using a Scorching Ray Sneak Attack to melt (or shock if modified) the enemy. She's demisexual like me IRL, and has a budding crush on a party member that hasn't really been explored in game. The X in her name is pronounced like a Z, so Zev-ill-ka is how it's pronounced.
> 
> Senna Dawnbloom - NG Halfling oracle level 5, Haunted curse and Lore mystery, though further modified with Community Guardian. She's two foot nine and wears colourful robes with chainmail and uses a regular mace for her size or a slingshot. Very bubbly personality, her mouth goes faster than her brain sometimes, and she's too sheltered and naive to have a sexuality. She has short curly brown hair and bright blue eyes, and has the Childlike feat so people often mistake her for a human child. It makes taking her seriously a bit more difficult, but she can lie like a rug so long as she makes it sound innocent. Tactics are she's basically a healbot. Bob is the spirit haunting her.
> 
> Joe Canada - CG Human (Garundi) sorcerer with the Boreal bloodline, level 5. He's got curly white hair with a full beard and dark skin. He likes to wear his red and black plaid robe with sandals even in the cold, and swing his greataxe and feel like the biggest and toughest guy in the room. Loves to drink and be rowdy, has an intimidating presence especially when he casts Enlarge Person on himself. He's generally a smart dude but has a penalty on his wisdom, so his decision-making isn't all there at times and he doesn't make some connections that are obvious to others. Tactics are self-buffs to make him a better front-line fighter, Enlarging himself, and swinging his adamantium greataxe for maximum damage. Joe, despite his frequent patronage at bars and social nature, is completely asexual. So yeah, waking up in bed with a woman next to him is a pretty weird start to his day.


End file.
